Pay attention to the small things.

If it is a colleague and you know they always get a flat white at morning tea, perhaps grab one on your own coffee run and drop it off to them. Small gestures of care can help more than you realise.

Be available.

Your friend may not be asking for your help, but they may well value your presence. You might be a non-judgemental listener for their vent, or you might reach out via a no-pressure text message ‘no need to answer this, but I am thinking about you and wanted to say hi’.

Educate yourself.

If you know that your friend is going through a particular issue, learn about it. Not necessarily to tell them what to do, but more to help you understand their experience better.

Get specific.

Depending on your relationship, this may be as simple as taking a ‘just do it’ approach – drop by on bin night and take the wheelie bins out to the curb. Drop off some groceries to the front door. Offer a specific type of help “We drive past your street on the way to school in the morning, would it help if we picked up Sam on our way through?’

Be patient but remember your boundaries.

You can only control your own actions and responses, not anyone else’s. It can be frustrating to think you know what someone needs ‘if only they would listen’.

If it is getting too hard to continually cover the same ground, it is okay to recognise your limits and put in some kind boundaries. Equally, if you have offered help and they have said no, it is important to respect their decision.

What to ask yourself before jumping in

1. Why do you suspect they need help?

What feels like chaos to you may not be experienced by your friend in the same way. If it is simply a case of “I would not do it that way’, it is not necessarily helpful to step in. You cannot decide what is best for someone else and you cannot control others. If they are expressing distress or overwhelm and seem stuck, that is a different situation.

2. Why are they finding it difficult to ask for help?

Sometimes people have strong feelings about asking for help. They think it makes them seem weak or incapable of solving things for themselves. Sometimes they are so overwhelmed by their situation they cannot find the words to express their needs. Try to get a feel for whether they want help but do not know how to ask, or if it is more of a case they prefer to come to their own solution in their own time.