The subtle art of offering help
It is hard to watch when people you care about are
struggling while at the same time refusing assistance. What can you do to help
someone who will not ask for it?
It is a delicate situation you might find yourself in more
than you would expect.
Depending on your life stage, it may be a friend with a
newborn, a colleague going through a tough time at work, or your elderly
parents becoming frailer. What you do in each situation depends on your
relationship with the person, but here are some ideas as to how to be a good
friend.
Pay attention to the small things.
If it is a colleague and you know they always get a flat
white at morning tea, perhaps grab one on your own coffee run and drop it off
to them. Small gestures of care can help more than you realise.
Be available.
Your friend may not be asking for your help, but they may
well value your presence. You might be a non-judgemental listener for their
vent, or you might reach out via a no-pressure text message ‘no need to answer
this, but I am thinking about you and wanted to say hi’.
Educate yourself.
If you know that your friend is going through a particular
issue, learn about it. Not necessarily to tell them what to do, but more to
help you understand their experience better.
Get specific.
Depending on your relationship, this may be as simple as
taking a ‘just do it’ approach – drop by on bin night and take the wheelie bins
out to the curb. Drop off some groceries to the front door. Offer a specific
type of help “We drive past your street on the way to school in the morning,
would it help if we picked up Sam on our way through?’
Be patient but remember your boundaries.
You can only control your own actions and responses, not
anyone else’s. It can be frustrating to think you know what someone needs ‘if
only they would listen’.
If it is getting too hard to continually cover the same
ground, it is okay to recognise your limits and put in some kind boundaries.
Equally, if you have offered help and they have said no, it is important to
respect their decision.
What to ask yourself before jumping in
1. Why do you suspect they need help?
What feels like chaos to you may not be experienced by your
friend in the same way. If it is simply a case of “I would not do it that way’,
it is not necessarily helpful to step in. You cannot decide what is best for
someone else and you cannot control others. If they are expressing distress or
overwhelm and seem stuck, that is a different situation.
2. Why are they finding it difficult to ask for help?
Sometimes people have strong feelings about asking for help.
They think it makes them seem weak or incapable of solving things for
themselves. Sometimes they are so overwhelmed by their situation they cannot
find the words to express their needs. Try to get a feel for whether they want
help but do not know how to ask, or if it is more of a case they prefer to come
to their own solution in their own time.