We all know the mean inner voice that runs commentary on our
daily activities. “You don’t know what you’re doing”. “Just get on with it!” “No
one else is finding this hard”. We are far more unkind to ourselves than we
ever would be to a friend or colleague.
Criticising yourself when you are finding things difficult
makes it harder to solve problems or get yourself out of a messy situation.
Your stress levels go up, your ability to think creatively goes down. You can
get stuck in a cycle of struggle. There is a growing body of evidence that one
highly effective way to shift this struggle is through self-compassion.
Dr Kristen Neff, one of the world’s leading experts on
self-compassion has this insight: “Self-compassion is the ability to notice our
own suffering and to be moved by it, making us want to actively do something to
alleviate our own suffering.”
Self-compassion has three parts:
1. Mindfulness. Notice your experience or your thoughts
without judgement: ‘I’m having a hard time with this’.
2. Self-kindness. Treat yourself as you would a friend.
3. Common humanity rather than isolation. Embrace
imperfection as part of the human experience and understand that your suffering
is shared by others.
Self-compassion is not self-pity, or selfish. It would not
make you stop ‘trying’. It does, however, allow you to respond kindly to
yourself in moments of difficulty. Self-compassion increases your ability to
meet challenges and has been shown to increase physical and mental wellbeing,
create a sense of safety in the workplace, and increase your sense of purpose
and meaning.
Think of switching from an inner critic to a coach and see
how it helps you rise to the challenge rather than becoming paralysed by
self-doubt.
Self-compassion is simple to learn. One of the best things
about it is that you can access it in the moment; you do not have to set aside
time each day to ‘work at it’. There are several steps to increase your access
to self-compassion.
1. Physical touch.
This might be as simple as placing your hand on your
opposite forearm in a signal of care. Feel the warmth of your hand. You could
bring your right hand to your heart. Gentle touch coupled with a mindful
statement ‘wow, this is tough’ can have a powerful calming effect.
2. Get to know your emotions.
Often, we are not that great at knowing how we feel. Start
to explore the language of feelings. Instead of stopping at ‘I’m angry’, see if
you can sense what might be underlying that. Maybe you are frustrated or
embarrassed or even sad. Growing your self-awareness is an important skill.
3. Practise mindfulness.
Check in on your inner experience. Note your thoughts
without judging them or yourself.
Dr Mark Leary, professor of psychology and neuroscience at
Duke University concludes, “Just about every measure of psychological
well-being we have seems to be associated with self-compassion.” You cannot
argue with science!
Dr Tra Brach, psychologist and mediation teacher, shares an
easy to remember tool for mindfulness and compassion: RAIN
Recognise what is happening
Allow the experience to be there, just as it is
Investigate with interest and care
Nurture with self-compassion
This can help you move from feeling stuck to a state of
feeling safe and secure.