4 Expert Tips for Making Friends

Meaningful social connections, aka good friendships, are essential to our wellbeing – and our physical health.

Research shows people who are lonely have a higher risk of dementia, heart disease and stroke, along with higher rates of depression and anxiety.

But making friends as an adult is not as easy as it was in preschool where all you had to do was share some crayons. So how do we make new friends – and keep them – while doing everything else we need to do?


1. Move past the fear

“What if they do not like me?”

One of the core obstacles holding people back from making new friends is the fear they will not be liked.

Yet research into “the liking” gap shows that most people underestimate how much they are liked. A 2018 study published in Psychological Science studied interactions between strangers in a laboratory; first-year college students in a dorm; and as formerly unacquainted members of the general public in a person development workshop. “Our studies suggest that after people have conversations, they are liked more than they know,” concluded the study authors.

Plus, when you assume that someone likes you, you tend to become warmer, friendlier and more open, which in turn makes you likable. It is called the “acceptance prophecy”.

Dr Marisa Franco is a psychologist and author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make – and Keep – Friends.

She travelled overseas and made new friends along the way, in part fuelled by an assumption that she would be liked. She writes, “People like to be liked, and we tend to like people who we believe like us.”


2. Join an outgoing group

Dr Franco advises joining a group that meets regularly over time to make friends. “So instead of going to a networking event, look for a professional development group, for example. Do not go to a book lecture; look for a book club.”

“When other people are pursuing a hobby in a group, they are likely also doing it for social reasons, because they are choosing not to do it alone.”

“That capitalises on something called the ‘mere exposure effect’, or our tendency to like people more when they are familiar to us,” says Franco.


3. Ask questions

If you cannot think of anything to say, ask a question. It does not have to be deeply personal, it could be based on the current situation, such as “what did you think of the presentation?” A 2012 study from Harvard University found that self-disclosure activates brain regions associated with reward. That is, people love talking about themselves.


4. End with an opening

So you have had a great conversation with a new person and you are getting on well. How do you progress it to friendship?

Dr Franco suggests inviting them to an exclusive activity. “Once you find a person you like, think about generating exclusivity, which means having an experience with that person that you do not have with everyone else in the group.”


How to keep new friends

After you have established a friendship, one great way to strengthen it is to tell your friend how much you value them.

If that idea fills you with awkwardness, do not worry. There are ways to do it without it sounding cheesy. Here are two easy ways recommended by Dr Marisa Franco:

1. Tell them in passing

As you go about your day, if you think of your friend, tell them. The classic “I saw this meme and thought of you,” is a classic for a reason. Franco says these small notes show your friend you genuinely care for them and lets them know it is safe to invest in your friendship.


2. Share your little vulnerabilities

Let them in on the little things: the trashy reality program you love, your irritation over leaf blowers on Saturday mornings. Sharing vulnerabilities, even small ones, creates connection and trust. It allows your friend to open up about their own world in turn.

Loading