Meaningful social connections, aka good friendships, are
essential to our wellbeing – and our physical health.
Research shows people who are lonely have a higher risk of
dementia, heart disease and stroke, along with higher rates of depression and
anxiety.
But making friends as an adult is not as easy as it was in
preschool where all you had to do was share some crayons. So how do we make new
friends – and keep them – while doing everything else we need to do?
1. Move past the fear
“What if they do not like me?”
One of the core obstacles holding
people back from making new friends is the fear they will not be liked.
Yet research into “the liking” gap
shows that most people underestimate how much they are liked. A 2018 study
published in Psychological Science studied interactions between
strangers in a laboratory; first-year college students in a dorm; and as
formerly unacquainted members of the general public in a person development
workshop. “Our studies suggest that after people have conversations, they are
liked more than they know,” concluded the study authors.
Plus, when you assume that someone
likes you, you tend to become warmer, friendlier and more open, which in turn
makes you likable. It is called the “acceptance prophecy”.
Dr Marisa Franco is a psychologist
and author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make –
and Keep – Friends.
She travelled overseas and made new
friends along the way, in part fuelled by an assumption that she would be liked.
She writes, “People like to be liked, and we tend to like people who we believe
like us.”
2. Join an outgoing group
Dr Franco advises joining a group
that meets regularly over time to make friends. “So instead of going to a
networking event, look for a professional development group, for example. Do not
go to a book lecture; look for a book club.”
“When other people are pursuing a
hobby in a group, they are likely also doing it for social reasons, because
they are choosing not to do it alone.”
“That capitalises on something
called the ‘mere exposure effect’, or our tendency to like people more when
they are familiar to us,” says Franco.
3. Ask questions
If you cannot think of anything to
say, ask a question. It does not have to be deeply personal, it could be based
on the current situation, such as “what did you think of the presentation?” A
2012 study from Harvard University found that self-disclosure activates brain
regions associated with reward. That is, people love talking about themselves.
4. End with an opening
So you have had a great
conversation with a new person and you are getting on well. How do you progress
it to friendship?
Dr Franco suggests inviting them to
an exclusive activity. “Once you find a person you like, think about generating
exclusivity, which means having an experience with that person that you do not
have with everyone else in the group.”
How to keep new friends
After you have established a
friendship, one great way to strengthen it is to tell your friend how much you
value them.
If that idea fills you with
awkwardness, do not worry. There are ways to do it without it sounding cheesy.
Here are two easy ways recommended by Dr Marisa Franco:
1. Tell them in passing
As you go about your day, if you
think of your friend, tell them. The classic “I saw this meme and thought of
you,” is a classic for a reason. Franco says these small notes show your friend
you genuinely care for them and lets them know it is safe to invest in your
friendship.
2. Share your little vulnerabilities
Let them in on the little things:
the trashy reality program you love, your irritation over leaf blowers on
Saturday mornings. Sharing vulnerabilities, even small ones, creates connection
and trust. It allows your friend to open up about their own world in turn.