Chatting with workmates is the kind of easy interaction we enjoy at work. But at times we also need to have more difficult conversations, and whether these are remote or in person, most of us will do whatever we can to avoid them.

It may be a topic you don’t want to talk about, a situation where you’re not sure what to say, or a subject where you have conflicting opinions. Speaking up and having uncomfortable discussions are part and parcel of working with other people.

Dealing with issues by having honest conversations gives you an opportunity to resolve conflict quickly, improve relationships with your team or workmates, and if you’re a manager, improve employee performance.

Yet most of us would do anything other than talk about a tricky subject, says BBC World Service contributor Alison Green, who has been giving workplace advice for over a decade.

“An awful lot of us are hoping that there will be some sort of magical spell that will let us solve problems without ever having to use our words,” she says.

Green quotes real examples from the workplace. “I’ve heard from people who stew in silence for months rather than asking a colleague to please stop taking all their calls on speakerphone,” she says. “And I’ve heard from people who spend way too long tolerating physically uncomfortable working conditions – like a painful chair or an air freshener that literally nauseates them – rather than have a quick conversation with the person who could fix it.”

How to bring up a tricky subject

1. First consider what the problem is and whether a conversation is necessary. If the problem is trivial or temporary, you may not wish to draw attention to it. You may also not be the best person to initiate the conversation. It may be more appropriate for a human resources officer or someone more senior to get involved.

2. Stop worrying about being liked. This isn’t the most important thing. Instead, be respectful – both of the other person and of yourself. Respect their point of view and expect them to respect yours.

3. Avoid speaking in an aggressive or adversarial way, advises Green. Instead, speak calmly and matter-of-factly, in a tone you’d use if you were trying to solve any other work-related problem such as a software issue.

4. Focus on listening, not speaking. Planning what you’re going to say is likely to be a waste of time, as conversations rarely go to plan. Take the pressure off yourself and rather than focusing on talking, concentrate on listening, reflecting and observing. If a team member has missed another deadline, for instance, approach them by asking neutral, supportive questions “I see the project is behind schedule. Tell me about the challenges you’re facing.” Then listen, get as much detail as you can, and ask follow-up questions.