The Wordless Feeling of Loss

“Ambiguous loss”. It’s a vague but bone-deep sense of grief. It’s hard to define, and many people find it hard to justify when they ‘should be grateful’.

Yet you’ve probably felt it this past year with COVID, as you grieve the loss of your normal life and the loss of control.

The term ambiguous loss was coined by Dr Pauline Boss in the 1970s to cover the idea of ongoing losses that can’t be resolved, combined with an inability to return to “normal”. It was used to explain feelings around immigration, addiction, divorce and aging parents.

You can see why it applies so clearly to our experience of the COVID world. There is no foreseeable end, and it feels untenable and unsustainable.

Dr Sarah Woods, Assistant Professor and Director of Behavioural Health at University of Texas Southwestern Medical Centre, calls it “feelings of stress, sorrow, and frustration we feel at the loss of our normal lives.

“The first thing to know is that feeling distressed due to ambiguity is normal,” says Dr Wood. “The complicated grief we’re experiencing due to the shifting sands of our current lives, and accumulation of impalpable losses, is valid.”


If you’re feeling stressed, it’s not your fault

We’re seeing our old world-order destabilise. Our work, education and our economy – it’s all rocky and uncertain right now.

Robert Neimeyer, PhD, director of the Portland Institute for Loss and Transition and professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Memphis, says, “The losses include our sense of predictability, control, justice, and the belief that we can protect our children or elderly loved ones,”

Dr Neimeyer points out that the level of grief we feel is usually connected to our level of attachment to the thing we’ve lost.

“We’re capable of losing places, projects, possessions, professions and protections, all of which we may be powerfully attached to,” he says. “This pandemic forces us to confront the frailty of such attachments, whether it’s to our local bookstore or the routines that sustain us through our days. We’re talking about grieving a living loss – one that keeps going and going.

 

So what can we do about it?

You don’t have to suffer alone.

Here are ways to help manage this ambiguous grief and loss.

  1. “Name and claim it,” says Dr Neimeyer. It can help to give this “wordless suffering” a name, and know that it’s a feeling shared by so many.
  2. Understand it. It can help to understand that this kind of grief fluctuates. It’s perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed one day, and yet happy and grateful the next.
  3. Keep social. Do what you can to maintain your social supports. Even if you can’t see someone and hug them, it can help to stay connected online and by phone. Talk to your friends and family about ambiguous loss – you might be surprised by how they open up about their own experience.
  4. Stop doom-scrolling. When the news keeps updating with yet more suffering, it’s tempting to keep refreshing your news feed. It’s almost like we’re seeking control. Try to give yourself breaks from the news and limit yourself to a couple of checks a day for urgent updates.
  5. Remember your strengths. Look back on those times when you made it through tough situations, and remind yourself how resilient you are.

How to Apologise and Mean It?

You probably have memories of being forced to apologise when you were a child. You’d say you were sorry, but you wouldn’t really mean it

And just saying the words didn’t work, and it didn’t heal anything.

A real apology needs to come from an intention of restoring trust and healing wounds. And it’s hard.

We often avoid apologising, partly because we’re worried about unleashing even more anger, and partly because it feels uncomfortable.

As Reachout.com points out, “Apologising is hard because we don’t want to feel bad about ourselves. We try to have a positive image of ourselves, and our need to protect that can make sincerely apologising quite hard.”

However, a sincere apology can not only mend cracks in a relationship, but make it stronger. Here’s a nine step system you can follow:


  1. Ask for permission to apologise

Etiquette expert and founder of The Etiquette School of America, Maralee McKee, says your apology affects the other person, so they need to consent. You can’t just go to someone, open up raw wounds and then just leave. They might need some time before you’re ready to listen.


2. Make it clear what you’re apologising for

Be specific. It shows the other person you understand exactly what you did wrong.


3. Admit you were wrong.

Take responsibility and be careful not to make excuses.


4. Acknowledge their feelings

This is the make-or-break moment. Say you’re sorry for hurting them. Note: you’re not sorry “if it hurt you”, or “if you were offended”. That implies it’s their fault for having feelings.

Reachout.com suggests something like, “I understand you must have felt really upset, angry and confused.”


5. Say sorry

Actually say you’re sorry. “Don’t tack a ‘but…’ onto the end of that sentence,” warns Reachout.com


6. Offer a solution

Tell them how you’ll make things right. If you don’t know how, ask them what they think will help.


7. Tell them it won’t happen again

This is important. As Maralee McKee says, “Otherwise, what you’ve offered isn’t an apology – it’s an excuse.”


8. Ask for forgiveness

Overtly ask for their forgiveness. Keep in mind they might not be ready yet.


9. Move forward with an intention of change

You can’t do it again, and once they’ve forgiven you, they can’t keep holding a grudge.

What Can and Can’t Reduce Inflammation

You can’t survive without me, yet I lie behind many of today’s chronic diseases.


Inflammation has become a favourite topic of wellness bloggers and influencers. It’s a scary sounding condition that’s blamed for many common illnesses, often with justification but frequently without any strong evidence.

 

What is inflammation?

Inflammation is usually a good thing. Without it, wounds and infections would never heal, spelling bad news for your survival.

An inflammatory response is the natural response of your immune system to any foreign invader or perceived threat, whether that’s bacteria, viruses, parasites, fungi, or an injury.

You’ll see acute inflammation in action if you cut or burn yourself. An influx of white blood cells and chemicals trigger redness and swelling – all part of your body’s response that begins the healing process. Inflammation is also in action out of sight, fighting off disease, including the rogue cells that cause cancer. After the initial reaction, inflammation calms down to allow your body to heal.

 

Can inflammation work against us?

Yes, it can. Inflammation becomes a problem when it can’t be turned off and your body continues to react to something it sees as a threat.

Persistent, invisible, low levels of inflammation (known as chronic inflammation) can damage your body. It’s linked to many long-term diseases including cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes, Alzheimer’s and some cancers. It plays a role in inflammatory bowel disease and is even believed to contribute to certain types of depression.

Inflammation is serious, but you can do something about it. It all starts with understanding what can cause it.

 

What causes chronic inflammation?

Viruses, autoimmune disease like lupus and rheumatoid arthritis, and pathogens the body can’t get rid of can all cause inflammation. So too can:

  • ageing
  • smoking
  • poor diet
  • stress
  • lack of sleep
  • being overweight, particularly carrying weight around your middle.

 

What you can do

Your diet and lifestyle can go a long way to calming down chronic inflammation. Getting active for as little as 20 minutes every day can reduce chronic inflammation. So too can quitting smoking, getting adequate sleep, losing weight and reducing stress.

One of the most powerful tools you have to combat inflammation is your choice of food. Pick the wrong ones and you can accelerate inflammation. But choose the right foods and you can reduce your risk of illness.


“A pretty poor typical Western diet high in highly processed convenience foods and added sugar and low in minimally processed plant foods has been implicated in inflammation,” says nutrition research scientist Dr Tim Crowe on his blog Thinking Nutrition.

“What is widely considered an anti-inflammatory diet” is one high in fruits, vegetables, healthy fats, legumes, and wholegrains,” explains Dr Crowe. The Mediterranean style diet is a good example, especially if you include fish and olive oil, as it is rich in antioxidants and other inflammation-fighting nutrients.

Slips and Trips Lead to Falls and Injury

You lose traction on a slippery floor and start to fall, hitting the ground with a thud. If you’re lucky, you’ll walk away with only your ego bruised. If you’re not, you could be seriously injured.

Slips, trips and falls are among the most common causes of serious injuries at work – second only to hazardous manual tasks. And you don’t have to fall far. Falling as little as two metres can result in serious injury and lengthy amounts of time off work.

While the most common injuries are cuts, bruises, sprains, strains, fractures and dislocations, more serious injuries can also occur, and even death.


What do we mean by slips, trips and falls?

A slip: is when your foot loses traction with the ground surface. This can be due to inappropriate footwear or walking on slippery surfaces that are highly polished, wet or greasy.

A trip: can occur when you catch your foot on an object or surface and lose your balance. Most commonly, people trip on low obstacles that are difficult to spot, such as uneven edges in flooring, loose mats, open drawers, and poorly stored materials such as untidy tools or electrical cables.

A fall: can result from a slip or trip, although they can also occur from falling from low heights such as steps, stairs, and curbs, or falling into a hole, ditch or into water.


How to prevent injury

  • Report any inadequate or broken lighting, which can prevent someone noticing slip or trip hazards.
  • Avoid and/or report trailing cables or other low obstacles such as open drawers, loose mats or carpet tiles, or wrinkled carpeting.
  • Keep walking areas clear of clutter or obstructions.
  • Clean up or report any contaminants immediately. Contaminants can be wet, such as water, oil or grease; or dry, such as dust, metal shavings, plastic bags or off-cuts.
  • Wear appropriate footwear for your role. It should be suitable for your type of work and work environment, comfortable, and with an adequate non-slip sole and appropriate tread pattern.
  • Always take your time and pay attention to where you are going.
  • If you are carrying or pushing anything, make sure it doesn’t prevent you from seeing any obstructions.

Why Soda Water May Be Bad for Your Teeth

Regularly drinking soft drinks and other sugary drinks can lead to cavities and gum disease. But is fizzy water any better?

We’re told to brush twice a day, floss, avoid sugar and visit your dentist regularly. “Taking care of your teeth will ward off cavities and gum disease.”

And with an estimated 2.3 billion people in the world suffering from tooth decay, it’s a message we need to listen to.

Sugary, fizzy drinks, such as soft drinks and sports drinks are double trouble for our teeth. First, they contain sugar. Bacteria that live in your mouth feed on sugar and form acid which attacks the surface of your teeth. Over time, this can result in cavities.

Then there’s the acid content of soft drinks. Even if a fizzy drink doesn’t contain sugar, it often contains phosphoric or citric acid. This lowers the pH of the drink (making it more acidic) which can soften your tooth enamel, leading to damage.

 

What about my home-made soda water?

Soda water is a better option than most soft drinks as it contains no sugar. However, we should not drink it every day.

Soda water is also known as carbonated water. It is created by dissolving carbon dioxide gas in water – this creates an acid known as carbonic acid. The carbonic acid causes the pH of the soda water to be lower than plain water, but it is not as low as fizzy soft drinks.

The American Dental Association agrees, saying that even though the acidity occurring in sparkling water is far less than what you’d find in a citrus juice or many soft and sports drinks, they advise keeping any acidic drinks to mealtimes only.

 

Trust the tap


It’s boring, but your best options are tap water or milk. Most of us have access to fluoridated drinking water, which helps to protect and strengthen teeth. If your local tap water is unsuitable for drinking, bottled plain water is also a good option.

If you do drink fizzy drinks, or other acidic drinks such as hot water and lemon, kombucha or apple cider vinegar drinks, follow these with a glass of clear tap water or plain bottled water and avoid brushing your teeth for at least 30 minutes. Any form of acid will soften your tooth enamel and if you brush too soon you risk adding to the erosion.

Want to Lose Weight? Don’t Rely on Exercise Alone

Move more and you can enjoy that extra slice of cake or second drink. Or so we’ve been led to believe. The evidence suggests that it’s not quite that simple.

Building up a sweat at the gym can feel good. You’re on a quest to lose weight and your workout will burn up plenty of kilojoules. But this message is misleading, and it can cause your motivation to wane if your weight isn’t decreasing as quickly as you’d hoped.

Here are some facts about exercise, and why it may not be the quick fix for weight loss that we once believed.


FACT: Exercise alone can’t create a big energy deficit.

The process should be fairly straightforward. Exercise more, burn kilojoules, develop an energy deficit and lose weight.

Except it isn’t quite that simple.

While your food intake accounts for 100 per cent of the energy that goes into your body, exercise only burns off less than 10 to 30 per cent of it. Your basal metabolic rate (energy needed for basic body functions) accounts for 60 to 80 per cent of total energy expenditure.

If a 90-kilogram man added 60 minutes of medium-intensity running four days per week while keeping his kilojoule intake the same, and he did this for 30 days, he’d lose just over kilograms, calculated Dr Kevin Hall of the US National Institutes of Health.

“If this person then decided to increase his food intake, or relax more to recover from the added activity, then even less weight would be lost,” says Dr Hall.

If you are overweight or obese and trying to lose a large amount of weight, it would take lots of time, effort and willpower to make a real impact on kilojoule deficit through exercise alone.

 

FACT: You can’t outrun a bad diet.

For many years we’ve believed that lack of exercise and excess kilojoules are equally to blame for the current obesity crisis. Many researchers disagree, with some claiming in the British Medical Journal that “you can’t outrun a bad diet.” They blame our expanding waistlines primarily on our food choices, stressing that where the kilojoules come from is as important as the number.

Poor diet does more than add weight. According to The Lancet global burden of disease reports, poor diet is responsible for more disease than physical inactivity, alcohol and smoking combined. You can be active every day, but it won’t negate the effects of an unhealthy diet.

 

FACT: Exercise is the world’s best drug.

This doesn’t mean you should give up exercise. There are many reasons to move more beyond weight loss. “It’s probably the single best thing you can do, other than stopping smoking, to improve your health,” says Dr Hall.

Upping your activity levels will reduce your risk for chronic diseases including heart disease, stroke, type 2 diabetes, dementia and certain cancers. It will support your immune system so you can better fight off illness; improve your sleep quality, fitness and mood; and protect against depression, anxiety and stress.

And while exercise may not help us lose a lot of weight on the scales unless we address diet too, studies have shown it’s essential for keeping weight off and preventing weight regain.

As a bonus, regular exercise changes our dietary habits, which means we’ll have an easier time making healthier food choices.

Hope for People at Risk of Lung Cancer

For too long, people diagnosed with lung cancer have faced a double whammy of despair and distress. Firstly, lung cancer is one of the most fatal cancers. Secondly, there is still a stigma around lung cancer for people who smoked. Both of these problems are set to change over the coming years.

According to the World Health Organization, lung cancer was the most common cause of cancer death, with 1.8 million deaths attributed to it in 2020.

If you are diagnosed with lung cancer, you have an 85% chance of dying within five years.


So two questions: why it is so fatal, and why aren’t we talking about it more? Let’s answer the first question first.

 

Why lung cancer is so fatal?

Surgery is still the best treatment for lung cancer, but many people aren’t diagnosed until it’s too late for surgery.

People can live with lung cancer for many years before they show any signs or symptoms, and screening for lung cancer is not yet commonplace.

 

Why we are not talking about it?

The truth is that 80% of lung cancer is caused by smoking. This has led to a stigma around the disease. Many people presume that a patient’s illness is due to smoking, and that they could have just chosen not to smoke. This is far from accurate. It’s not the individual’s fault they were sold these cigarettes became addicted, it’s Big Tobacco that is really the problem here. We don’t stigmatise any other cancer, even if it might have been going out in the sun or eating too much barbecued meat. This stigma could lead to delays in seeking treatment and this could impact long term outcomes.

 

What about lung cancer screening?

Lung cancer screening is a test to see if there are any early signs of lung cancer in people who are not showing any symptoms. It allows lung cancer to be caught at an early stage, which greatly improves the chances of treating it successfully.

Some countries have started implementing government screening programs for patients deemed “high risk”, but many countries do not. This is partly because lung cancer screening is not yet advanced.

The only recommended screening test for lung cancer is low-dose computed tomography (also called a low-dose CT scan). The problem is that false positives have created a lot of over-diagnosis and unnecessary interventions which can also cause harm.

This is changing. In countries like the UK, Canada and the UAE, programs are being developed to introduce or expand lung cancer screening, although the focus for many lung cancer campaigns still remains on quitting smoking.

In addition, a new lung cancer prediction tool has had some success. The tool uses a mathematical formula to predict risk, based on a combination of factors such as age, smoking intensity, duration and years quit, as well as body mass index and family history of lung cancer.

Declutter One Area of Your Home

When you’re feeling overwhelmed, annoyed or simply stuck, decluttering can be a super simple yet super effective way to shift your energy.

Decluttering is not a fix-all, and despite what those Instagram stories will try to tell you, it won’t change your life. But it really can help your mental health.

Decluttering simply means sorting through your stuff, and getting rid of things that are no longer useful. Or, as the queen of decluttering, Marie Kondo says, things that no longer “spark joy”.


Today, spend a few moments decluttering just one area of your home. In a small but meaningful way, it will help you:

- focus on what’s important to you.

Choosing what to keep and what to remove is a powerful exercise in figuring out your values, your preferences and what you really need and want in your life.

- feel more organised.

“A place for everything and everything in its place”. Whether this was first said by Ben Franklin or Mary Poppins, they were both very wise. The act of decluttering often helps you streamline your morning and evening routines, with everything you need all lined up and within easy reach.

- clean faster

Less stuff means less stuff to tidy. With more space, and more organised spaces, you’ll find it easier and quicker to do routine cleaning such as vacuuming and tidying up.

Do Sugar and Carbs Cause Diabetes?

Diabetes is considered the fastest growing chronic condition in the world, with someone diagnosed every five minutes. Can we prevent it by cutting out sugar and carbohydrates?

The logic seems simple enough. Because diabetes is a disease of high blood glucose levels, and because carbohydrates are converted to glucose in the body, many people think eating sugar and other carbohydrates can cause diabetes.



But there’s a problem with focusing on one particular nutrient like this.

Plant foods are carbohydrates foods, explains Dr David Katz, founding director of Yale University’s Yale-Griffin Prevention Research Centre, and co-author of How to Eat.

“But carbohydrates come to us not only in the form of plants in nature, but in many forms made in factories. They can be anything from lentils to lollipops, pinto beans to jelly beans,” he says. “Some carbs are the staff of life; some are the stuff of disease.”

Carbohydrates become a problem when they are highly refined. A product like white flour, for instance, has had all the good stuff stripped out of it, leaving you with a flour that’s low in fibre and nutrients. In your body, it acts much more like refined sugar than a wholegrain, which means it’s rapidly digested and quickly raises your blood sugar.

 

How wholegrains are different

A grain with its fibre intact acts very differently. When you eat wholegrain bread or rolled oats, the fibre slows down digestion, preventing the dangerous insulin and glucose spikes we see after eating refined carbs.

“Large-scale studies consistently find a relation between routine wholegrain consumption and lower risk of all chronic disease and cardiovascular disease… and improved glycemic control (the fluctuations in blood sugar levels),” explains Dr Katz.

Fibre is the reason we shouldn’t worry about the sugar in fruit but should be far more concerned about the amount of refined sugar we consume, particularly when we drink it. Studies have found that people who regularly drink sugar-sweetened drinks (whether that’s soft drinks, sport drinks or cordial) have a roughly 25 per cent greater risk of developing type 2 diabetes.


A diabetes diagnosis is serious. Reduce your risk by choosing healthy foods, watching your weight and exercising regularly.

Do You See Exercise as Punishment for Enjoying Life?

What makes you put on your running shoes or active wear? Is it wanting to stay healthy? The satisfaction of seeing your step count increase? A desire to drop some kilos or build more muscles?

Perhaps for you exercise is more of an obligation, something you know you should do but don’t particularly love. As Kelly McGonigal, research psychologist and author of The Joy of Movement puts it, you see exercise as “punishment for enjoying life.”

Mindset reset

McGonigal believes many of us have developed the wrong attitude to exercise and movement. “Movement is a fundamental part of being human,” she says, so “don’t exercise from a place of shame or fear.”

She argues that rather than a chore, exercise is integral to enjoying your life. People who are physically active report being more satisfied with their lives and experience more gratitude, love and hope and less loneliness and depression.


The powerful effect of exercise on the brain leads to a wide range of psychological benefits. Here are three of them:

  • You connect more to others.

Exercising with others is one way to increase a feeling of connection – and not only because you are spending time with each other.

It’s all down to brain chemistry. Research shows that the ‘exercise high’ is linked to a class of brain chemicals called endocannabinoids (the chemicals mimicked by cannabis), which can reduce anxiety and increase feelings of optimism. They also increase the pleasure we get from being around other people, helping to strengthen relationships.

  • You become more sensitive to joy.

“When you exercise, you provide a low-dose jolt to the brain’s reward centres – the system of the brain that helps you anticipate pleasure, feel motivated, and maintain hope,” says McGonigal. Over time, regular exercise leads to higher circulating levels of the brain chemical dopamine, which relieves depression, helps you become more resilient to stress and expands your capacity for joy.

  • You can transform your self-image.

If you have a voice in your head telling you that you’re too old, too unfit, or too weak to exercise, the sensations you feel when you move can provide a powerful counterargument. Moving with power, grace or strength can change how you feel about yourself and what you are capable of, a feeling that can transfer to your daily life.


Your roadmap to becoming more active

1. Look for ways to allow physical activity to play a bigger role in your life.

Don’t think about durations or intensities. Instead, find an activity that suits you by thinking about what you already love. If you enjoy spending time with friends or family, go to gym class together or arrange a weekly walk. If you love dancing, go to a dance-based class or try out ballroom dancing.

2. Make your first goal achievable.

If you’re new to exercise, start small – even 10 minutes of exercise is beneficial, but the more you do, the greater the physical and mental benefits.

3. Move outdoors.

Many people report an immediate boost from exercising outdoors. Any green space will do, it doesn’t have to be a long bushwalk.


“Every decade, adults lose up to 13 per cent of the dopamine receptors in the reward system. This leads to less enjoyment of everyday pleasures, but physical activity can prevent the decline.”

Kelly McGonigal